One Of You Is Insecure The Other Is Not


Posted by JM | Posted in Relationship Advice | Posted on 26-03-2010

A couple of days ago I wrote a post on being insecure and why to stop being insecure. That post was about how I did not understand how people can be insecure with themselves when they are in a good relationship.

In a perfect world people would be able to turn off insecurities like a light switch. This is not the case for most insecure people.  Insecurities derive from people’s pasts and the past is hard to forget about. This post is going to reflect what I think the outcome of relationships are when you are in one with someone who is insecure.

When Your Boyfriend Is Insecure

He will get jealous all the time, and he will always want to hangout with you when you go places. This is not okay. You need to have time apart from each other. The bottom line here is that he needs to be able to trust you.

If your boyfriend is already insecure, and you have lied to him about several things already, you might as well just throw in the towel. You as a girl who would like some independence to do things on your own will always now feel guilty for doing so.

Since you probably will not just throw in the towel quite yet in your relationship, I suggest you talk to him and tell him that his insecurities are really bothering you. That you need to be able to hang out with your friends. Tell him that it is not like you are going to be out looking for other guys, and that he is the center of your world.

Guys like to be told things logically and up front like this. Although I am not insecure with myself in anyway – if I were I would want  my girlfriend to lay it out like that for me. It would make an insecure person feel better.

When Your Girlfriend Is Insecure

Okay I was pretty much just talking from a girls perspective but now for the meat of this article. When your girlfriend is insecure, it is not fun at all. This is why.

Whenever you want to have sex you have to have the lights off.  This is because of the girls insecurities with herself. She either thinks she is too fat or she is ugly and does not want you to see her body.

If this is bothering you and she does not know that it is you need to communicate it with her. If you do not tell her that you do not understand why the lights always need to be off when you are having sex she’s going to think you are fine with it.

Trust issues with a partner are kind of funny. Sometimes you do not need to do anything wrong and your partner will not trust you. They won’t let you do anything with anyone. So unhealthy! At least if you are not trusting your boyfriend/girlfriend make it be because of something they did, and not something that someone else did in your past to make it so you can’t trust anyone.

When one of you is insecure in a relationship it makes it really hard for the person who is not. Two people that have two different frames of mind about this area usually do not work out. This is why it is so important to communicate with your partner when things are bothering you.

If you are in a relationship, or maybe you were in a past relationship  that one of you was insecure and the other was not please comment below to give us some details and feedback of the relationship.
by, JM

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Comments (5)

Very nice article. I really think you hit the nail on the head with understanding women and how they can be so insecure without provocation, really. I’ve dealt with this from time to time.

Communication, like content, is king. =)

well done!

Thank you for your comment Yannibmbr! Sure, communication is absolutely king in a relationship. Without it, they are destined for failure.

Kind Regards,

Wait a second. Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like you’re saying that the only reason a girl could be insecure in a relationship is if she’s fat or ugly? Or she THINKS she’s fat or ugly, or she’s been cheated on in the past. There are a million more subtleties involved in any relationship. You cannot boil insecurities down to black and white issues. Women, as you may have learned are a lot more complicated than that.

I think that was more of an example, really, Gretta.

I have a huge problem with insecurity, and in this case, I’m the insecure one. I’m in a long distance relationship, 20, and in community college. She lives over a thousand miles away, works at McDs and is generally an introvert.

She is by far the most amazing young woman I have ever met. I can’t detect a single thing about her that’s wrong, and I can’t imagine she’d ever cheat.

But for some reason, I’m paranoid. And the only way I can sum this up is that, and this is bad, I really put this relationship up on a mantle and glorified it. Not that she’s undeserving of it, it’s just it can be really dangerous for a person to gamble all their emotion on one person. If I lose her, I’m terrified how it will affect me. Consider the fact that it’s long distance and I can’t see anything that is going on, I don’t know a lot.

It all boils down to my mistake of placing her on an idealistic level, and now I’m terrified of the sway she has over me now.

I think there are self-esteem issues involved, but I’ve been mostly focused on my tendency to protect myself. Hopefully someone can help me. This girl is absolutely amazing. If I lose my chance with her, how long before I find someone this amazing?

Insecurity is something I am experiencing first hand, for the first time in my life. I’ve been dating A girl for approx 7 months. When we first started dating, several of my friends warned me to stay away because they have had sexual relations with her and they didn’t think it was a good idea for me to date her because of this. Being that I do not like judgmental people, I decided I would not judge her and entered a relationship with her. It was the best decision I have ever made because she has been such an amazing girl. After we were over the honeymoon month of being alone in bed all the time, we started intermingling with other friends. She is from out of state and only had one group of friends, which I met her through. On several occasions she would have a hard time with a new girl coming around that I knew and was introducing her to. Granted, I’m sure some of the girls along the way were a little catty with her, as always happens when meeting new people. It is caused several fights and we just worked through them. Recently we moved in together and we started a nice life together. The men who were after her moved on, and I never had any issues for her to deal with so we were happy. Moving on, I decided one day to take a trip with a guy friend and while I was gone she flipped out. Now mind you I’m with a friend who is single and talks to women anytime he has an opportunity. My GF read his Facebook and saw he posted a picture with girls (which I was not in) and freaked. She accused me of cheating on her while away, said she wasn’t dumb she knew what was going on etc etc. Mind you, an insecure person can fabricate reason and/or provide hypothetical theories of thing that could happen, but there is never something that happens to make you lose their trust. It’s just like someone being afraid to drive on the highway because they could get into an accident, and there’s lots of other cars around etc. My trip was ruined, I turned my phone off until I got home so I could try and salvage any fun left after arguing for hours and dealing with too many accusations for a blog. I get home, she swears that shell change and learn to trust me so I accept and we move forward. So a childhood best friend who is a married woman trying to have children with her husband, decides she is coming to visit her parents and friends for the weekend, as she does once a year. My GF happens to be leaving this weekend to go to her home town and makes a comment of how perfect it is that she will be away so I can have a “field day” with my married friend. Now mind you, I have never even kissed my friend and I’ve been such good friends since the 6th grade. Before she even had plans to come down I talked to my GF in bed one night and asked her to never be jealous of my friend, as she was nothing to be jealous about etc. So I decide to take a day trip with my guy friend recently, we drove 2 hours north and played sports in our favorite spot. While I was gone, knowing my friend was coming in town the following weekend, she decided to go to a bar with 2 guys she slept with on a regular basis before we met. I found out because she posted a picture of her with the two guys and two other guys, with a drink in her hand “SUNDAY FUNDAY”. I was so hurt by this I didn’t know what to think. Here I have this girl living with me, not paying a dime for anything, and she is hanging out with guys she slept with before we started dating while I’m away playing sports. Obviously we got into a huge fight and her response was that she figured I wouldn’t mind since I was going to have a “field day” with my childhood friend next weekend. Mind you, the extent of my plans with my friend are always dinner with family and friends, a couple beers and saying good night to everyone. So now this insecure/untrusting girlfriend has crossed the line by hanging out with men she slept with to spite me, when I didn’t do anything wrong. I find myself in a precarious situation. We fought so much I had to leave and sleep at my family’s house. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t know if I can move forward. I started reading different blogs, websites, journals etc. and I advised her that she needed to seek medical help for this problem or I couldn’t date her anymore. I feel suffocated, this is not a healthy lifestyle to live. For myself I’m the type of guy that I only tell my GF to have a good time when she goes out. Everyone knows me as the most easy going guy to date with respect to NO JEALOUSY. But every person on the planet has a breaking point and to do what she did is unacceptable in any circumstance. I trust that she would not do anything with these men behind my back, but knowing she would surround herself with them when I am not around is unacceptable. I honestly feel like I almost need to talk to a therapist to figure out if I need to walk away or try to help her work through this, as it is exhausting, embarrassing and breaking me down.

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