Why To Stop Being Insecure In Your Healthy Relationship
Posted by JM | Posted in Relationship Advice | Posted on 03-24-2010
Tags: insecure, insecurity, Relationship Advice
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So many times my friends and I have been in relationships where either themselves or their partner is insecure. This could be for many reasons of which I will explain. Before you start (although you probably have) calling your partner insecure and telling your friends that he/she is insecure let me go over my own brief definition of the word.
When someone is insecure in a relationship it means that someone has doubts or fear in that relationship. In other words someone who is not confident.
Who wants to be with someone who is not confident, and is showing doubts about a relationship? You may be surprised but even I have dated someone who was extremely insecure. I’m sure most of you readers have also or are currently dating someone who is too.
It’s hard to get someone to be secure again when they are insecure. I felt really hopeless in that relationship because no matter how much I complimented my ex, and no matter how much I did for her she still had those same insecure feelings.
Since nothing was getting better in our relationship, one day I came up with a thought about why she was having insecurity issues. Maybe it was because she did not trust me. That had to be it. I had not done anything that would ever break that bond of trust with her, but maybe because of a passed experience she had in her life she was not letting herself trust me.
Communication Is Key
So I talked to her. The best thing to do in a relationship when you are not happy with something is to communicate. I asked her straight up, without bringing up any of her insecurity issues:
Me: Do you trust me?
Ex: Yes, why?
Me: I was just wondering because I always say that you are pretty and you always say no I’m not, or something of that nature. It kind of offends me.
Ex: Well I’m not pretty, you’re just saying that because you are my boyfriend.
Me: Well I would hope all boyfriends told their girlfriends they were pretty. Even if you don’t think you’re pretty – why can’t you let me say it to you without being shut down?
Ex: I guess you can say that. I am sorry I have been like that. I have just been feeling fat lately.
(What I was thinking, me the logical person and all. Well maybe you should go to the gym because complaining about it is not going to get you anywhere.)
Me: Well you’re not. But if you would like I have been wanting to go to the gym, so maybe I can get a membership and we can go together.
Ex: That would be awesome!
So we went to the gym of which she belonged already. She had not been using her membership though. I got a membership there as well. From then on we started going to the gym regularly and it was actually a really nice, and healthy activity for the two of us in our relationship.
Trusting Is Security
Although this was really nice she was still really insecure about some things. For example, if we went to a party and there were other girls there. This would always be the case if we went anywhere because girls populate half of the world obviously. She would think that the other girls were prettier than her and would think that I would want them and not her.
This was absolutely not the case. I would simply be social with people and that was all. If you know me I am not a big drinker so even when I went out and I was told I could drink because I am not driving I would simply just try to mingle with people. That was the extent of it.
My ex would get furious whenever I even talked to a girl who she thought was prettier then her. Even though I told her she was pretty all the time. Even though she had no reason at all not to trust me.
Insecurity is so unattractive in a relationship. Even though my little story about one of my ex’s is about a girl there are plenty of guys out there who are insecure too.
Why To Stop Being Insecure
If you are insecure or your partner is insecure you need to talk to your partner about it. Communication is key. Also remember that trusting someone is security. Think to yourself do you have any reason not to trust your partner? If you don’t, then why are you insecure? Ask yourself that question.
If you do have a reason not to trust your partner then maybe that person is not right for you. Why do you want to be in a relationship that you have to feel insecure about yourself all the time anyways? You can find someone out there who will be better than someone who is not trustworthy.
Please leave your comments/feedback/personal experiences below in the comments section! I hope to be able to respond and give some good relationship advice to them all.
Relationship-Passion.com
by, JM
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People that are insecure usually have something in there past that has made them this way. Know one can fix it, but them.
This may sound cold, but I feel the best way to handle them is to let them know that there insecurty is driving you nuts, but if they want help trying to figure out where it is coming from you’re there for them. if they don’t want to confront this then they want to stay the way they are.
You can not fix the present if you can’t let go of the past.
Debbie
Debbie,
First of all thank you for your comment! Secondly I totally agree with you. If there is something in their past that made them be insecure no one would be able to fix it but themselves.
A good way to fix it so to do something about it, and maybe telling the person that is insecure that it is driving you crazy is enough to get them to start thinking about it and doing what they can to change.
Thanks again for the comment,
JM
Insecurity is a fear. “If you really knew me the way I know me, you wouldn’t want me.” and “I am too afraid to do something about it but still want to be with you even though I am going to be more neurotic than fun.”
Life is short. Look for the signs before you are in deep and when you see them, talk about them. If the other person is not ready, move on. Some of us who are care taker type personalities are attracted to this situation. We in our psyche some where think we can care for this person until they are well. Being with them is a habit and draining.
I think when one person is insecure and won’t move through it quickly, the relationship is not healthy.
I guess the summary for me is “Been there, Done that, not going there again.”
Bruce,
Thanks for your comment I really appreciate it. You would hope to be able to figure out signs of insecurity in your partner early on but most times this is not the case. You are right Bruce, when one person is insecure and will not get through it, it can be draining.
I just actually wrote a new post about this yesterday it’s called One of You Is Insecure The Other Is Not.
Kind Regards and thanks again for posting,
JM
Not sure why but I am actually going through this problem right now. I never thought I would be insecure but I am. I have been dating this girl for 10 months and now actually live with her. I’ve been cheated on before in past relationships but she has never given me a reason not to trust her. I have had several people she knows tell me things about her past that aren’t great but that is the PAST. Either way, I have found myself checking her facebook and phone like a total idiot. I know she loves me, I love her, we have talked marriage and the whole 9. But I know that if this doesn’t stop, It will be over. I am trying my best to change and I have to for my own good. This just started in the last 2 months. I know if I don’t chage, I will lose the women I love and who loves me. She told me she feels like she has to prove herself to me and that she also feels like I want her all to myself. I know inside this is not me. Any advice? I’m just going to try my best because I do see myself having a life with this women.
Shawn i know the exact feeling you are currently having. if you have figured it out or found a way or exercise please i would like to know before i lose the women i love
Just like Shawn, av been viewing my GF’s mail account and facebook daily. My real problem is the way other guys address her as ‘dear’ , ‘switie’ e.t.c and am not comfortable. Yesterday we were just a whisker away from a beak out but somehow it didnot happen. I love this girl and dont want to lose her. Please guys help me out.
samething with me every thing that ur saying i need help with this if you have the answer please tell me
Okay, I understand everything that your saying in this article. But the one thing is, Is that i’m one of these people, I’m VERY insecure about myself and also my partner.
I love my boyfriend with everything i am, And we have been dating for a year today, And being i was very fat growing up and not all that great, I have grown up and am now only 115/120pounds. I know deep down i accually am kindof skinny, but i still have the feeling i’m still not skinny enough for anyone. I am told almost everyday by my spouse that i an beautiful and amazing and perfect and skinny and the whole ninee yards, But it just doesn’t go away.
I am insecure a little about him too; Such as; When we go out, I always CONSTINTLY accuse him of looking at another girl or doing something of that matter Or when he tells me he’s just going too have a few drinks, i always EVERYTIME he does, and i call him or text him and he doesn’t answer, I always think “What if he’s with a girl, what if he REALLY is fed up with this bullshit and is with someone else.?” Or if it isn’t that, Than it’s “Wow he hasn’t called me yet, He’s probably past out somewhere cause he lied to me and he drank alot..” Things like this all the time; or if he says he wants to hangout with his cousin (Who is only his cousin by marrage; which her mom and step dad aren’t even together anymore and haven’t been for about a year,; She is about 4 years younger than him, And accually likes him more than family..But i can honestly-Thank god- Tell you he doesn’t like her like that back) I always feel like she’s going to come on to him and he won’t do anything. She already tried to hook him up with one of her friends cause she doesn’t really like me because i “Took him away from her..”
I just don’t know what too do; I mean i know;; “I shouldn’t have anything to worry about’.. But i don’t know what to do with myself, EVERY relationship i’ve ever been in i ruiened it by the 4th or 5th month.
I love him and all and i know i have too stop or i’m going too loose the one i love and the one that loves me the most.. But it is very hard. Please help! Any advice on how to curb my thoughts about how i feel about me and my partner, and help me stop being so insecure about myself and also, the things my spouse does too ?!?!
Hello
You are writing about spending time apart…how much is too much? One day each week?
My boyfriend loves to party with friends two times a month….and go to the movies two times each month….what do you think about that?
Hello I’m having the same issue here I’ve been dating this guy for a year and 3 months now and I’ve been insecure since the beginning but that was only because my friends kept on saying shit about us like we wouldn’t last and such . I was used and cheated on but there’s no reason why I should not trust him . Im his first girlfriend and he’s my first as well I mean like as a real true bf unlike the others I have dated in the past anyways I’m really in love with him and everytime I see him talking to another girl I get jelous easily or when he han
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[...] Why To Stop Being Insecure In Your Healthy Relationship So many times my friends and I have been in relationships where either themselves or their partner is insecure. This could be for many reasons of which I will explain. Before you start (although you probably… [...]